Why I'm Here. (a rambling explanation from a fat chick)

Hi! My name is Dana, and I'm fat.
Not phat... but FAT.

This is my journal of what I hope will be my permanent weight-loss journey.

I have lost hundreds of pounds over my lifetime, always to gain them right back.
I have tried every diet known to man.
I have tried every pill.
I have eaten less & moved more.
etc etc etc...

After years of research and prayer and thought, I have decided that I want to get the Lap-Band.
Not as an "easy fix" because, if you have actually researched the Lap-Band, you know there is nothing easy about it.

I have let my weight have way too much control over my life.

I have lost the happy, perky, energetic, confidant Dana and become depressed and withdrawn.
I hide it well, but it's true.

When I walk into a room, I quickly scan the crowd hoping to see someone fatter than me. (like that will make me feel better)

I have made up excuses to get out of going to functions with life-long friends and even family members, because I am so ashamed of my weight.

I have disappointed my children because I have not attended school functions and ceremonies, because I don't want to risk them being ridiculed because they have such a fat mommy.
I am no longer the "fun" mom.
I'm the fat mom who has no energy to get out and run and play with them...
They deserve so much more.

I have even let it affect my marriage. I don't let my very loving and supportive husband see me without my clothes, I push his hand away when it lands on a fat roll.
I don't know how long he can stay supportive when it does no good...
He deserves so much more.

I am miserable.
I often have to force myself to get anything done.
I don't bother with make-up often, why bother?
Cute clothes? Please! Give me a super-sized T-shirt and jeans to try to hide my body...
I deserve so much more!

I could lose the weight, again, then what?
I guess I just want a way to make my weight a less defining part of my life.
It is always in front.
It's always whats seen first.
It's always the first thing on my mind.

I just do not want this to become my life-long struggle.
I want to do the work and actually have it last for longer than a month!

I am not scared of working towards my goal.
Thats not the problem...
I just wish I could bust my butt reaching that goal and have some glimmer of hope that it might last.
It's just so discouraging to have a tiny piece of victory to have it fade away as soon as I relax a little bit.

more soon...

UPDATE here